Someday the Waves

Day 6 Master Cleanse

2010-12-05T23:16:00.003-05:00

Ate a hershey chocolate almond bar on Day 4...but other than that I've been doing pretty good..nibbled on a few whole wheat saltines this morning to settle my stomach so I could go shop with mom, but that's about it. Finishing out Day 6 with my tea, looking forward to solid and delicious fatty food, but finding strength in that I've made it this far...Climbed on Friday (Day 4), biked 3 miles and ran 1.5 in the gym tonight...wish I'd been doing cardio all along, because it felt great. Hoping to swim some this week.

Missing food and still tempted by it, but not like before. Also, not hungry like before. Weighed in at 156.9 on Day 4.

Tomorrow, Day 7. :)

Day 3 Master Cleanse

2010-12-03T00:33:00.003-05:00

Much harder day physically--felt very fatigued, sore all day (worked out on Monday, did legs pretty hard, inner thighs very very sore!), and struggled the first half of the day to just be mobile.

Got motivated to go to Toasty Yoga at the gym by 8, was feeling much better, got up and moving, by the time I got to the gym felt much less fatigued. Cravings not NEARLY as bad as yesterday. Feel like I can do this. Yesterday was definitely more mentally/emotionally challenging.

Also noticed today that I have leaned up a bit. Could see it visually, but weighed myself at the gym and came in at 158 (was 162 on Monday), which is a little over a pound a day lost, much of which came out of the intestinal tract I imagine, but maybe 2 pounds fat lost from the looks of my body. Also felt rewarding to see that my body was changing.

Tomorrow: day 4. :)

Day 2 Master Cleanse

2010-12-01T23:38:00.002-05:00

Cravings pretty rough today--seriously considered breaking the cleanse several times from mid afternoon to evening, but managed to power through and make myself another lemonade and rent a movie to distract myself. Drank my tea about an hour ago, feeling strangely good right now. More alert and energetic than I've felt all day. Today was a pretty lethargic day. Very difficult to focus, a little cranky, physically weak. Surprisingly mentally weak. Only day two and the urge to eat something fatty and salty was nearly enough to override my resolve.

Scary to think how the body really has so much more control over us than we think. Not used to dealing with nearly- to uncontrollable urges. A bit unsettling to reflect upon.

Still feels like it will be eternity before I eat anything delicious again, but not feeling so bleak right now (the same could not be said for 3 hours ago... :)

Day 1 Master Cleanse

2010-11-30T23:29:00.003-05:00

Just completed first full day of the cleanse. Started yesterday, but mid-afternoon broke the cleanse to eat with Mike, who started the cleanse with me yesterday but was having a really bad day and wanted to start over in the AM together. So today is sorta like day 1.5, but we're calling it day one.

The hunger is mild, sort of like a dull nagging--the lemonade drink keeps what I would consider to be any sort of biting hunger at bay, at least today, but there is a sort of ever-present dull hunger that saturates everything. The real struggle for me is the emotional/psychological comfort of eating that is lost. I didn't feel sad at all today, but I did feel more anxious. I kept wanting to eat to feel comforted, and when I didn't, it made me feel uneasy. Seeing or smelling fried or greasy food is the worst. Went to Paddy with Sarah tonight, there were burgers and pizzas and I really thought several times about breaking the cleanse--and only on day one!

Just talked with Mike, and we both have been feeling like we'll never get real food again. The irrational finality of it is very curious. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of all of my favorite foods, permanently. Truthfully, of food altogether. It feels like the only thing I will ever consume again is this lemonade, and I am condemned to a life of watching other people eat hand-pattied cheeseburgers with fries and pizza. But it's only for a limited time really! From here, though, 10 days seems like eternity.

Whew. Gonna be a long 10 days.

Well. 9 now. :) :)

Drank around 6 or so lemonades today. Completed the salt water flush this a.m., lax tea last night, about to drink my tea for this evening right now.

I can do this.

Master Cleanser: 2 days prior

2010-11-27T12:28:00.005-05:00

Eaten today:
bfast: 1/3 c. museli and soymilk, one egg fried in e.v. olive oil, green tea kombucha
snack: apple sliced with peanut butter, vitamin water xxx
snack: kalakand (ricotta cheese, sweet condensed milk, almonds), coffee with half & half & sugra

Couldn't fall asleep until around 3 am last night (chai tea too late?), alarm went off at 8am, woke up at 9:50, reset alarm for 10:30, got out of bed shortly after it went off. Made breakfast for me and the girls and aurora, drank my tea, relaxed for a bit. 12:36 now, getting in shower, then some yoga, then some writing.

Master Cleanser, in T minus 3 Days...

2010-11-27T00:22:00.003-05:00

So I'm going to start the Master Cleanser on Monday, November 29th. Today is Friday. I'm going to try to record what I experience while on the cleanse, beginning today. I've just re-read the info on this website, and I'm about to read the PDF of the original Master Cleanser Manual by Stanley Burroughs (download the PDF here, as found on this website.

I gorged myself at Thanksgiving yesterday at my family's celebration in Cincinnati, and woke up this morning still feeling uncomfortably full. I eat compulsively, for all occasions/moods/emotions really, but particularly to deal with anxiety and sadness. I would like very much to develop a healthier relationship with food, and to develop discipline over compulsive cravings feel generally less encumbered and more energetic. I suppose that's the purpose for my wanting to starve myself for 10 days, consuming only a lemonade cocktail that frankly doesn't sound too appealing.

Ok. For organization's sake:

What I hope to accomplish by fasting for 10 days with the Master Cleanser method:

11/26
*to break my habit of compulsive eating-- hope to do this by:
----learning to discipline myself and control compulsive cravings
----reflecting inwardly during the 10 days
*to experience something spiritual/internally insightful
*to lose a few pounds (since I might as well be honest here)
*to develop a generally heightened sense of discipline
*to really delve into my yoga practice
*to gain some sort of mental clarity
*to focus myself on what it is that I want
*to focus myself on what it is that I feel
*to learn what it feels like to be hungry, and to use this to help relate to much of the rest of the world
...(will add more as they come to me)

What I think will be difficult about the cleanse/fears:
*hunger pains
*worried about gas/painful intestinal response, especially after my bad reaction to the herbal detox program (herbal supplements) that resulted in about 9 days of painful stomach aches
*the urge to eat (seemingly overwhelming, but will not be!)
*worried about ability to focus and be productive
*worried that I will not be able to be physically active
*worried that it will impact my intimate life

Today's food intake:
B.fast at First Watch: Museli & organic vanilla yogurt, goedda, coffee & water (some artificial creamer in coffee)
lunch: chicken tenders from Arbys & water & Jamocha milkshake (on the road back from Cincy)
dinner: chick peas & raw cucumber, red peppers, & radishes with organic apple cider vinegar, salt, & pepper with pita bread & water
after dinner: chai black/yogi detox hot tea mix with soymilk

How I'm feeling today:
I am excited about embarking on this cleanse. I feel hopeful for all the things that I hope to accomplish/find during this process. I am excited about accomplishing the cleanse itself, about completing a difficult challenge that I am making to myself.

What I commit to:
I commit to complete a full 10 day cleanse, start to finish, without interruption.
I commit to journaling every day, at a minimum of right when I wake up and right before bed, about how I feel.
I commit to practicing at least 10 minutes of yoga every day, and more when I feel like I am able.
I commit to trying to swim at least 10 minutes, gently, at lest 4 of the 10 days.
I commit to reminding myself to stay positive and strong when I feel doubtful or hopeless.
I commit to myself, and to giving myself this opportunity to experience something completely different.
I commit to reminding myself that while I am choosing to deny myself food, many many people the world over do not have the option, and are far hungrier than I am and still manage to soldier on.
I commit to believing in the power of my body to adapt and overcome.
I commit to myself to be strong, and to find within me a source of discipline untapped, and making it readily available for my use for the rest of my life.

Michael Nyman's String Quartet No. 3

2010-04-21T09:47:00.007-04:00

What I Have Lived For

2009-05-20T10:32:00.003-04:00

Bertrand Russell, from the prologue of his Autobiography

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a great ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy – ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness – that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what – at last – I have found.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved.

Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens. But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate this evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.

This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.

God

2009-03-16T23:57:00.005-04:00

Give me a green patch and I swear I will grow and sprawl and blossom and spew forth life in the most illuminating array of colors and depths.

I will dig my fingers into the earth and grow them down into the soil like roots. I will tear open my chest, and through the cracked ribs love will flow out like water upon the earth, will saturate the roots, will grow me into a tree so magnificent and so beautiful that the leaves will breach the heavens.

From the top I will look upon the cloud floor and blow a fever upon the wind. I will breathe this fever into a fire and with blood and rage and pain I will burn the world to utter ashes.

When the last cry is silenced, when the last breath of life expired, I will weep from every pore, will mourn the death of this miraculous world, will wring every drop from every green limb, and from this outpouring I will wet the ashes of the world and grow a new one--this time, a world grown from love and the knowledge of what was lost, and not fear of worlds unknown.

For Humanity, for the Ember

2008-11-19T13:45:00.000-05:00

A Letter to the People

2008-10-01T23:23:00.003-04:00

From the Benevolent Leader of the United Peoples of the World
Nadezhda Mira

A Hope for Our Future
For millennia, our species has been plagued by war, famine, disease, and the most egregious assaults against our fellow human beings. After thousands of years of strife, it is possible that we stand at the threshold of the golden age, on the very verge of our true Utopian dream; this Utopia is not unreachable, is not fantastical. It is real, it is practical, and it relies on the marriage of reason and compassion, of logic and intuition. It rests on discerning a common good, and on establishing a moral and ethical interaction with one another that upholds that common goal.

Through the ages of enlightenment and progress, humankind began to take hold of conceptions of human dignity, of rights and responsibilities—however, these conceptions were largely rhetoric-laden and lacking in action. The capitalist machine could not allow for such conceptions to be realized, requiring the exploitation of our brothers and sisters to fuel it’s ever-expanding need for profit and growth. Many revolutions sprang out of this injustice, but the people were confused, were unaware of their condition and the source of their oppression. They saw gross inequality, and merely sought revenge against those they envied in addition to simply alleviating their situation. These political revolutions occurred without the ideological and psychological revolutions required to secure their lasting legacy, and thus the world fell in and out of progress and change, exchanging one exploitive regime for another. Violent measures were taken to squelch opposition and counter-revolution cycles—they failed, and eventually a despot was reinstated and the people fell back into the same rhythm of exploitation and injustice. This cycle continued for thousands of years, until the great revolution of The Ninth Age.

It is my hope that this letter will serve to explain the philosophy that compels my rule in this interim transition, and that it will help to establish a common human goal for us all, securing the ideological revolution in addition to the socio-political-economic one, the wounds of which are still fresh. We are not yet out of the woods. The light is close, however, and if we can now band together and establish our common will, we can facilitate the lasting ideological revolution that will pull us through this transition phase, minimizing the chance of a counter-revolution that would plummet us back into darkness. Violent oppression cannot secure my reign, no matter how noble or supreme my intentions for humanity may be—I have learned from the mistakes of those in positions of authority before me, and I believe we have suffered enough losses to reach this point, and from here we can only proceed willingly without coercion. It is only fear and uncertainty, only a lack of a common goal and an ability to understand our world and ourselves that locked us in our state of perpetual harm and injustice. In discerning the general will, the key to our liberation awaits us.

The General Will
First articulated by the philosopher Jean Jacques Rousseau in the year 1762 of the Old Calendar, the general will is that which represents the interest of all of humanity. If each person were well informed, reasonable, and interested in the good of humanity, the general will would be the end to which s/he reasoned. This is not to be confused with the will of the majority, which could merely be assessed with a vote. The will of the majority could very easily be the result of the collective individual wills in society, which are marked by self-interest. Rather, the general will is that which is in the interest of humanity as a whole, and given the criteria above, every reasonable person would arrive at the general will in any given situation.

In the age of its conception and for many ages to follow, the general will was regarded with skepticism; because of the newly tolerant ideas of the progressive enlightenment that followed in the centuries after Rousseau first wrote of the general will, coupled with need of the capitalist machine to justify exploitative and unjust practices, a conception of cultural and normative relativism gained increasing favor for several thousand years. It was employed under the guise of benevolence and tolerance, and in actuality served to perpetuate a host of the most unspeakable crimes against humanity. The idea of a general will that would be absolute, unwavering, indestructible—this idea was discarded as a weapon in the arsenal of the would-be despot, as an ambiguous and easily manipulated antagonist of democracy and individualism. In the age of complete autonomy, of individualized isolationism and competitive separation from humanity, the conception of the general will was unfathomable, confusing, and contradictory to what many regarded as intrinsic to human value.

However, as the degradation of the human condition became nearly unbearable and the people of the world became increasingly aware that individualism and competitiveness were failing humanity at a miserable rate, consideration to this concept of a general will regained fervor—slow at first, but catching like a contagion out of desperation and necessity. The key to accepting the general will as a reality lies in accepting the moral responsibility to act in the interest of others—fundamentally, it lies in knowing how to discern the general will.

Discerning the General Will
We all possess the facilities of reason and emotion. The general will can be determined using either of these facilities. First, I will give an account of the general will derived from reason.

Given a specific human goal, it would be a simple task to know which acts were in support of that goal and which were destructive to it. The simplest way of looking at this question is in the format of an if-then situation; “If the human good were defined in terms of the ability to live a healthy life free from fear of bodily or psychological harm, the it would follow that _______ action would/would not be in the interest of humanity. Given this model, I am will arrive at the same decisions as you, the enlightened citizen of the world. Given that human dignity and the preservation of life and happiness, I could reasonably assume that actions that caused suffering, exploitation, and competition would be acts that go against the general will. Similarly, acts which preserved the human capacity for love, life, peace, prosperity, and health would be actions that were presumably in accordance with the general will.

From an emotional perspective, the general will can often be derived intuitively. If a shift to caring and personal responsibility to and for every other human being occurred in child rearing, then what would be produced would be a generation of intuitively caring, compassionate individuals who acted in accordance with the general will seemingly instinctively, with no logical weighing of actions necessary. This is our aim, or duty as a society—to produce a world of people who are naturally inclined to love life, humanity, and all that preserves the former.

Private Property and the General Will
We have already accomplished the first step toward producing a society where caring and compassion reign supreme—the abolition of private property. Without the notion of private property and the competitiveness it produces, it is the natural inclination of people to be caring and compassionate—indeed, even from a self-serving perspective, it benefits the individual to live in peace and security, free from harm and fear. Being such dependent creatures, humans naturally benefit from cooperation, interdependence, and peace. The illusion of benefit from competition was purely symptomatic of the disease of private property.

Rousseau also wrote of this relationship between the human condition and private property. He contended that before the inception of private property in human society, our interactions were marked by peace, prosperity, and cooperation. From this socially constructed evil, however, arose avarice, self-interest, corruption, competition, and destruction. Our human condition was for so long bound by this evil, and only with its abolition could we free ourselves of its destructive grasp. One of the defining characteristics of humanity has been the urge to improve, the impulse to create and progress. With the creation of private property, however, we nearly secured the destruction of our species and our world. Rousseau saw this compulsion to manipulate our world, and was aware that it was the impetus for moving into society and eventually constructing private property. He did not, however foresee a way in which we could break out of the cycle, could reject our greatest downfall as a species. For Rousseau, there was no going back once the consciousness of humanity had been poisoned with avarice and competition. In the destruction of that which bound us, however, we relinquished our chains. It is essential to understand fully, however, for the lasting peace we seek, how private property is inconsistent with the general will.

If peace and the preservation of life and humanity is agreed to be the most fundamental goal of human existence, then competition and private property would have to uphold that goal and not diminish it. From experience alone, we can clearly see that was not the case. However, from both a philosophical and a intuitive perspective, we can also abstractly perceive the inconsistency between the two. Individualism and capitalistic competition replaced much of our connection to and reverence for the natural world and each other—when we commodify people and we commodify our natural world, we must by course of action disconnect in order to allow the exploitation and moral rape of our natural world and the people in it. This disconnect requires the suspension of concern for human welfare, for consideration of the general will—it is not in the interest of humanity to treat people as an ends to some other means—that produces suffering. It is not in accordance with the general will to commodify and exploit the planet’s resources—that leaves our world barren and stripped of beauty, in addition to plummeting our species into a pitiful wasteland of squalor, degradation, and starvation. Finally, one can perceive the inconsistency with the general will and capitalistic competition and private property through the separation of the laborer from the labor.

Marxism and the General Will
The historical sequence of events as they have played out was foreseen by a man named Karl Marx, and he wrote of this progression through phases of consciousness and economic systems. He contended that the creative impulse of humankind, deemed by Rousseau to be our ultimate downfall, while on the one hand was the impetus for the production of private property, was simultaneously destroyed by the social construction it produced. This destruction occurred by alienating the laborer from the labor. The creative process therefore was transformed from an intrinsically compelling force to merely an ends to a mean—material gain. These material possessions were not the product of our creative force, and the drive to acquire them far exceeded our basic needs. The need for economic expansion is an all-c0nsuming one in the capitalistic model, and fulfilling basic needs was not enough to sustain its insatiable appetite. Additionally, the void left in the wake of the destruction of our creative capacity desperately needed filling, and we reached for the only thing accessible—material things. This materialistic competition in which the laborer is alienated from the labor is counter to the general will—it results in a rapid loss of the creative capacity, leaving the individual feeling hollow and searching for void-fillers; the void fillers which are most readily available and beneficial to the economic system (and therefore encouraged) are materialistic; these materialistic desires are incapable of replacing our creative capacity and leave us wanting. Furthermore, this materialism and desperate need to fill our meaningless and alienated lives with unattainable amounts of material things pits us against one another in competition—personal gain becomes primary, and avarice and selfishness silence the general will. What is left is a sea of individuals pitted against one another in eternal competition, with no regard for the general human welfare, nor any regard for any other individual human life that does not stand to benefit one’s own interests.

Putting the General Will into Practice
As I am in a position of authority, the decisions I make will derive from the general will. It is of the utmost importance that you, the people, understand from where I derive the decisions, as well as the process I employ to reach that end. I will discern the general will in the same way each of you will—I will act with a marriage of intuition and reason, and will make decisions with both the general interest of human dignity in mind as well as from a caring and compassionate heart. It is my deepest inward desire to see our species and all life on our planet flourish. Some decisions will be difficult, as many in all our lives are from time to time, but in those circumstances we must do the best we can, and valiantly act as defenders of humanity and life and love in the best way we are able. We must all employ this hybrid use of reason and compassion in our lives, and must make it our chief objective to rear our children to know how to listen to their hearts. We must foster in them love and compassion, and do our best to explain to them fear and hatred, as well as the things that logically and intuitively foster each. In this manner, we may hope to break our socialized chains and fears and move forward ourselves, at the same time bringing new life into the world free of these chains from the beginning.

I am not a perfect ruler. None of us is a perfect being. Perfection is a word conjured up for those who wish to distinguish imperfections. The word is useless, and possesses no real value or meaning. What is useful, what we can employ, is our best. As a ruler, I feel it is my most profound and honored duty to uphold human dignity and functioning, defending humanity against any foe, intentional or unintentional, from a position of love, compassion, and fellowship. Enemies of humanity, if they exist now or ever will in the future, must not be annihilated. They must be embraced, must be brought into the fold. They too benefit from the general will, are part of humanity, and deserve to have their human dignity preserved. It is to them I speak to as well, and I implore them to consider the reality of the general will, and our ability to know it both in our minds and in our hearts. Once we embrace the reality of our condition and of our potential to know our common good and work towards it, we will have effectively achieved our Utopia—not by witnessing it as an end, but by continually creating it through our interactions with each other born out of compassion.

Bring on the Apocalypse...

2008-10-01T23:19:00.002-04:00

"If we have reason not to be fully pessimistic, it is because of the basic features of human beings. The human child only becomes independent after something like 6 or 7 years. This means that during one tenth of our lives we are dependent on others, which is not true of other mammals. So, for a long time, we all know that our small ones are completely helpless, and we have to protect them, to nourish them, to take care of them. This attitude, of which every single human being has been the beneficiary, is inscribed if not in our genes, at least in our minds. This means that we, in some instinctive way, know that we can only survive if we take care of the weaker ones."
~Tzvetan Todorov, in an interview from "The Possibility of Hope"

The idea that human beings should live only for themselves, and as such realize their "freedom," is not only fundamentally flawed, but nearly impossible to reconcile with human needs. "No man is an island," so the saying goes. Every person is so interconnected with every other person, at least by association and interdependence for basic necessities and for social fulfillment. The encouragement of the development of the isolated, individualized, competitive modern western man (and its dependent female counterpart) is deeply troubling to me. What I would suggest is some form of biological or culturally innate compassion seems to be suffocated by this self-serving, self-idolizing "individual," and I can see a whole host of symptomatic diseases in modern society that seem to be the direct result of it.

We know not how to live for one another any more. To care for others, even though we may have no direct knowledge of who they are or how they affect us. There seems to be a weaponizing of the modern mind, a sort of barricading one's self (and one's own small group) from the rest of humanity. The focus on our differences, rather than our commonalities, has been an appalling mark on our cultural human history, and is currently fueling our rapidly quickening downward spiral into hell.

I will not begin to assess the worth of human life. I will say that the degree of selfishness or selflessness of human beings is largely flexible and culturally determined--what innate qualities that may have served us biologically can surely be squashed by socialization and enculturation. This suggests that the hope for human progress is not lost, as our cultural evolution can yet take us to a place where we are not isolated, where our concern once again reaches beyond what best serves our own selfish endeavors, where we once again know the beauty of genuine compassion. Human life is so very conditional. I will say that what makes human life so amazing is the ability to reflect upon and appreciate abstract beauty--be it in the form of love, of art, of music, or of nature. That sort of seemingly transcendent sense of the abstract and the deeply moving response it can stir in the human recesses seems to me worthy by some accord. If that is lost, however, I dare say we have lost what makes us human, and if we lose that in addition to our failing to be stewards of the earth and all the life on it, as we are the life forms with the ability to reflect upon and manipulate the system of natural order, then I would concede that yes, we would have indeed forfeited what made us worthy of existence in light of the plight we cause the rest of the planet. I do wish to point out, though, that nature knows no concept of "right" or "worth." Only what is and is not, only what can go on and what cannot. And along that line of thought, our species cannot continue on much longer at the rate we are going, in the manner in which we are behaving. The earth simply cannot tolerate it, and the repercussions of our carelessness and disregard for our fellow human beings have already begun to be felt in the political chaos of the world order, and our disregard for the planet has already set in motions a most grievous set of events that will surely damage a great deal of human life, if not make it impossible for survival altogether someday. That, in a sense, can be seen as some sort of natural justice. Some sort of selection on the part of nature for what creatures contribute to and maintain the delicate balance of life, and the removal of the ones that are destructive and parasitic to the earth's integrity.

Full Moons

2008-04-19T00:31:00.003-04:00

Last night, before bed, I was flooded with things I had thought I had forgotten, and with pangs I thought I had overcome.

They each one followed me painfully into my dreaming, and I had emotionally wrenching dreams of someone I've lost, of a wound I carry that likely will never heal fully.

Funny how the shape of the moon and the pull of its power can reach into our very souls and stir things we'd rather remain untouched.

Irreversibility

2008-03-22T23:37:00.004-04:00

I find it difficult some days to maintain faith in my convictions.
Some days the very notion of a "conviction" seems ludicrous.
I am coming to view our ancestry, our biological rootedness in survival and the natural world, with utter awe.
At the same time, it is unraveling what I thought was a tightly woven image of humanity that I held in my head.
What is humanity? What is our worth? What is it about us that is worth fighting for?
Advocacy? Advocate what? For who? Why?
Ethically, what must I do?
Why, as a biological creature, am I bound to an ethic at all? To what ethical code does the lion in the savanna hold? To which moral theory does a patch of moss subscribe to?
It seems our contemplation has done much to upset the balance of nature, and little to restore it.
So I ask, is our ability to think and feel our savior or our damnation?
I am certain it is our savior.
Except for days like this one.

For the Children

2007-11-07T12:18:00.000-05:00

Afghan Refugee Children

Bosnian Refugee Children

WhipWoman

2007-10-31T23:06:00.001-04:00

Existentialism and Postmodernism, Journal I

2007-10-03T00:23:00.001-04:00

I have never been able to accept the idea of alienation as having legitimacy, but rather I accept it as a common fallacy of the human mind. I’ve been reading Heidegger’s On Being and Time, and the idea that alienation is symptomatic of the human mind but none the less artificial is one that rings truer to my core.

I have never felt isolated from my natural world, or my fellow (wo)man. Ever since I was little, even when I was deep in my Catholic upbringing and believed in the individual soul, believed in humanity as separate from the rest of the natural world, I still felt an undeniable connectedness to the natural world. I felt most spiritual as a little girl when I would wander off into the acres of woods behind my house, and find some beautiful special place to sit and just experience the world around me—the sounds, the colors, the textures of light filtering through leafy canopies and hidden groves. That was my church, even as a little girl of six—I felt like when I dug my toes in the soil, that my toes were part of the soil; that when I swam in the deepest part of the watering hole in the creek, that I could feel the water flow through me, not just around me; that when I pressed my hand onto a cool mossy rock, I could feel the moss grow and move and change beneath my fingers, almost mingling with my skin in essence and being; and most of all, when I felt sunshine on my face, I felt it in my heart, in what I learned from my Christian teachers was my soul. But my soul does not lie in some compartment within my body—it lies in everything I see and touch and incorporate into my being, and every penetrating and exhilarating emotion it evokes in me. So no, I have never (fortunately) experienced a feeling of being cut off from the natural world. And if I feel that connected to what is “inanimate,” you can imagine what I feel from and for people, how unified I feel when I bond myself to other people.

But I do think some (if not many) people have that connectedness squashed at an early age, for whatever reason. I think modern western individualism and capitalistic competition has replaced much of our connection to and reverence for the natural world—when we commodify people and we commodify our natural world, we must by course of action disconnect in order to allow the exploitation and moral rape of our natural world and the people in it.

About Me

2007-10-01T12:20:00.001-04:00

I am alive... The air I breathe thickens by the moment with the passion of existence and the beauty of the unknown. I float on a wave of awe and curiosity that does not consume me, but elevates me.

I seek not to conquer the world, but to realize my place in it, my part in the infinite fabric of existence through my finite rooted experience in this realm, in this reality, in this earth-organism.

I am woman, I am the sacred feminine, and in me is housed "that sense of living one's deepest life underwater, that dark involvement with blood and birth and death." Someday I will be giver of life.

I accept my biology, my rootedness in this physical reality. I am not a slave to my genetic impulses nor to my bloodmemory that reaches back millenia into the lives that through the passage of time and aggression and love and drift gave way to my own. Rather, I embrace them. I am compelled to seek a morality that is both evolutionarily rooted and progressively utopia-bound.

This dichotomy is sacred, and as humanity forges on, I hope it can embrace its natural rootedness in the natural world while reconciling our infinite consciousness, our capability for transcendence.
This is my dream.

Clint Mansell

2007-09-27T10:42:00.001-04:00

This man makes music that makes my soul ache.

death couldn't tear me from you

2007-07-04T01:55:00.000-04:00

men without faces dragging me away from you as i screamed and reached out for you.

it was in that sepia black and white, and my hair was long and dark and i was wearing a long creme colored dress with a ruffle that came just above my ankles, like a dressing gown or a sun dress. the picture was gritty. you had been shot, were incapacitated and cornered in a room with wood floors and wooden walls. you were barely conscious, and men were closing around you and i knew they intended to hurt you. badly. i tore lose just long enough to almost reach you, but one of them hit me, hard, connecting with my ear, and i was knocked back away from you, but I tore back up, unphased, screaming and tearing across the floor on my hands and knees to reach you. the men descended upon me, it took so many men, drug me back across the floor with my heels digging into the wood, my feet bleeding and splintering as i thrashed wildly, crazed, in some desperate frenzy, spilling tears of rage. and you tried to stand, to come after me, bleeding from your stomach, but there were too many of them. they tore us apart. but we never stopped fighting.

death couldn't tear me from you.

i would tear loose its grasp and come back to you.

On Rights

2007-05-16T12:05:00.000-04:00

I am not a fan of collective group rights when that group is smaller than humanity. I think that demarcation of people into groups causes so many problems, so much more harm than good. A problem of self-determination arises, and my simple answer would be that all people have the right to choose their own system of governance, regardless of whether or not they belong to a group. The formation of a group based on this desire would necessarily follow, but I would not claim that I have the right to have my own club for blonde people because we are all blonde and all like Chinese food and all think Jim Carey is hilarious. If an established government were systematically oppressing people of that certain category, then I would say it is the right of every individual to be free of that oppression.

Proponents of cultural rights would say that what is a human right and what is moral would fall into a category of cultural relativism—no universal standards. I believe this is horseshit. In her book Sex and Social Justice, Martha Nussbaum makes a brilliant assessment of this problem. Paraphrasing will surely do her no justice, so I’m going to quote the whole darn thing.

"On the one hand, it seems impossible to deny that traditions perpetrate injustice against women in many fundamental ways, touching on some of the most central elements of a human being's quality of life--health, education, political liberty and participation, employment, self-respect, and life itself. On the other hand, hasty judgments that a tradition in some distant part of the world is morally retrograde are familiar legacies of colonialism and imperialism, and are correctly regarded with suspicion by sensitive thinkers in the contemporary world. To say that a practice endorsed by tradition is bad is to risk erring by imposing one's own way on others who surely have their own ideas of what is right and good. To say that a practice is all right wherever local tradition endorses it as right and good is to risk erring by withholding critical judgment where real evil and real oppression are surely present. To avoid the whole issue because the matter of proper judgment is so fiendishly difficult is tempting, but perhaps the worst option of all. It suggests all too clearly the sort of moral collapse depicted by Dante, when he describes the crowd of souls who mill around in the vestibule of hell, dragging their banner now one way now another, never willing to set it down and take a definite stand on any moral or political question. Such people, Dante implies, are the most despicable of all: they can't even get into hell because they have not been willing to stand for anything in life, one way or another. To express the spirit of this chapter very succinctly, it is better to risk being consigned by critics to the “hell” reserved for alleged Westernizers and imperialists—however unjustified such a criticism would in fact be—than to stand around in the vestibule waiting for a time when everyone will like what we are going to say. And what we are going to say is: that there are universal obligations to protect human functioning and its dignity, and that the dignity of women is equal to that of men. If this involves assault on many local traditions, both Western and non-Western, so much the better, because any tradition that denies these things is unjust."

Sweet Jesus that was amazing. I cried the first time I read that. That is how I feel. I don’t think there can be a reconciling of the two. I think that if there is a cultural tradition that violates a human right (or many human rights), it is an unjust practice and needs to be annihilated. The existence of group rights stems from the violation of individual rights. Sarah and I were talking about this today, and while a group whose rights are being systematically violated needs to call attention to its plight, I do not think that group has the right to violate individual rights because it has some sort of group right. The only real group that exists is humanity—the rest are pseudo-groups, claiming intrinsic value where none exists.

Anarchy and the true self-determination of pure socialism and communal governance: I could write a whole essay here.

Religion needs to be wiped out. There, I said it. Bertrand Russell, a brilliant man, once said: "It is possible that mankind is on the threshold of a golden age, but, if so, it will be necessary first to slay the dragon that guards the door. This dragon is religion." I believe this is so very true. Religion is a debilitating disease that cripples the human mind and causes so much damage to humanity in comparison to the minor services it offers. People bank their entire existence on lies created to maintain the status quo, to keep the oppressed under the foot of the oppressor, to squelch opposition and to stifle human growth. Look at the places around the world where religion reigns supreme—more often than not they are where the most horrific human rights violations occur, and often in the very name of religion. Consider the wars waged over whose god is the right god, or whose version of the same god’s laws is the right version. It’s sickening.

Religion, like race and sexuality, is just one more way for people to delineate, to separate people into groups that are “different,” who are “unlike me” and therefore I can be emotionally numb to their suffering. I can firebomb their homes, I can rape their children, I can pump their mothers full of shrapnel, I can hack their fathers with machetes, I can piss on their bullet-riddled and blood-shod bodies, because they aren’t like me. They belong to that religion, they are non-believers, they are the anti-Christ, they are the Great Satan, they are the infidels, they are going to hell, they are a member of that sect, they don’t follow my Pope, they are a member of a different group, to which I do not belong and can rightfully combat to defend what is mine, what I believe, who I am, the group to which I belong.

However, people seem to forget that we are human first, religious second. We are human first, ethnic second. We are human first, nationals second. We are human first, women second. People forget. They don’t see that overlying tie that binds us all together, and lose sight of the forest for the trees. It is this group-concept that causes so much destruction in our human history. Nationality, religion, race, ethnicity, all are group-concepts that cause so much suffering and strife. Whatever happened to the forest? I still see it. I just wish everyone else did, too.

Let's Break Down My Philosophy

2007-04-15T20:47:00.000-04:00

Whether we are fundamentally biological creatures is irrelevant to the discussion of our purpose on this earth. Our purpose, whether it comes from something innate or something constructed, can be conceived of in a way that makes life on earth meaningful and beautiful and purposeful and glorious. That purpose can either serve the good of all of the world, or it can be self-serving or group specific, without regard for the rest of civilization, life, or non-life that it co-exists with. We have a choice as to what kind of purpose we choose to accept for ourselves. If we accept that it is to exist solely for ourselves and some transcendent, elusive, ambiguous and spiteful deity, than we have chosen that path for our lives. We can choose to live for material things, to subscribe to the god-religion of capitalism and personal gain and selfishness in effort to acquire as much as we can in this life in terms of physical and monetary wealth, and then hoard it and pass it on to our offspring to continue the same sick, self-indulgent, pathetic and hollow existence of accumulation.

Or we can choose more. We can choose to feel. To embrace beauty and light and one another. We can choose to love. We can choose to expand that love beyond a single person or a small group of people and to embrace humanity, the world, the energy and beauty of the universe. We can choose to stop trying to control the earth and accept that we are a living, breathing, passing part of it. We can choose to exist for the hope and beauty and love that, whether biological or socially constructed, is undoubtedly present in the human psyche. We can choose to live for oneanother. To make it our responsibility that other people can experience these goods as well. To make it our purpose to foster all that is beautiful and wonderous and ensure that every member of humanity is able to feel these abstract goods in this life, that they do not needlessly suffer, that our fellow humans and our world are healthy and growing and able to exist in beauty and light and hope and harmony.

This is not idealism. This is logic. This is compassion. This is hope that a better world is possible. This is progress. This is humanism. This is love. This is a morality derived of all of the above. This is the purpose we can choose for ourselves. This is the morality we can choose to embrace. Morality is not the prohibition of swearing. It is not an obligatory church schedule. It is not out lawing gay people from marrying. It is the mechanism by which we may all live together and embrace our potential for beauty and love and happiness while minimizing our potential for destruction and pain and suffering. This is a simple logic. The things that uplift the human spirit are moral things. The things that embrace our potential for good and move us toward compassion and humanism and harmony with our earth are good and moral things. The things that degrade the human spirit and infest humanity with suffering, that further pain and misery and hatred and anger and death and destruction, that infect our natural world with toxins and waste and cut wounds so deep in the earth that they will likely destroy much of life, not to mention the capacity for human functioning: these things are wrong and immoral and detrimental to not only human life but to the fragile system that is our earth.

This is my morality. Take it or leave it, but I'll be damned if someone can explain to me how our government or our economic system is moral and good.

Unless we get our heads out of our asses and stop playing hands-off with morality and stop being all touchy-feely about cultural relativism and state sovereignty and personal beliefs, we are headed for a major crisis world wide. I am fully aware that it is going to take the Armageddon of the next century brought about by the extreme wounds we've caused this planet and our complete disregard for the well being of our fellow man to snap the western world out of it's self-idolizing Prozac-popping material-worship. Even then, with the fundamentalist religious ideologies that abound our populations, I am seriously concerned that we as a whole will fail to heed the blatant message our planet and the unbalanced order of civilization is trying to convey, and we'll instate something worse than we've already got now.

I wish I could make everyone see.

In response to Tyler

2007-03-22T14:11:00.000-04:00

I am so overwhelmed at the indifference that surrounds me. Sometimes I think it will drown me. That is one of the reasons I can't wait to get out of this town, and I why I know you had to leave. So many people so absorbed in their own delusional bullshit, who can't seem to see anything beyond themselves and their own petty dramas in their shit-hole little backward towns. It is suffocating me. There are others, Tyler, who think like us. You've met a few, I know, and they are so important in encouraging and supporting that light within us, that spark of compassion that lives deep within us. There are others like us. Some days it seems not so, especially being here in this godforsaken town, but there are others. I have faith in humankind, in human dignity and love and compassion. I have more faith than I ever would have let myself believe I have, and while it doesn't live in some high-in-the-sky deity, it does live within every person I meet.

I see god in the face of every man, woman, and child I see. I'd sacrifice the whole of my happiness, my very life, for my faith in humanity. I'd die to save humankind, even for all the fucked up shit we've done to this world, I'd die to save us all. That is faith in something grand, something bigger than myself. But I don't think it's unfounded. I see that love in the eyes of lovers, in the eyes of a father with his baby girl, in the hearts of mankind, so courageous and quick to band together in an emergency, at times of crisis. Call me an idealist. I'll thank you for it. I'll be damned if I lose my idealism before the age of 21. I'll be damned if I ever lose it. "Idealists are the salt of the earth--without them, human life would become a stagnant pool of degredation." We are the dreamers. We are the earth movers, the soul-raisers, the spirit-lifters. We are the progress-makers and the changers of human history. We are the saviors. The utopians. The idealists. Without us, without a dream of what could be, why would life be worth living?

Indifference is just like any other foe. It need only be conquered by love and hope. I have faith in this war, and I believe with everything in my that my faith will carry us through the advent of civilization and save us all. Love will save us all.

The Indomitable Human Spirit

2007-03-20T17:25:00.001-04:00

I have great love for all humankind. But there are those few dear people that I bond myself to irrevocably. To those people, my soul is forever joined in a way that makes them as much a part of me as the very heart that beats life through my veins. To each of those people I give myself wholly and unconditionally, and I will love them every day for the rest of my life and into whatever great beyond lies ahead. This is the sort of thing that makes life exponentially more beautiful. First and foremost, it is my belief that the beauty and joy of life cannot be fully experienced unless it is shared with another, and it is that bonding of our souls to one another that grants us the most fulfilling sort of peace and the most elated joy that humankind can possibly know. This is who I am, and no matter how I grow and change, this one thing about me will always remain my strong hold. It is only through our indomitable compassion for humankind and our deep human bonds that we can experience the meaning of being human, of being alive.

What's In A Name?

2007-02-25T13:59:00.001-05:00

What's in a name? Apparently a lot.
Rebecca. Hebrew, originally from Aramaic. What it means, from several sources:
1. Beauty bestowed upon her, favored by the Lord. Her house is built with love, her heart is pure, she gives to those in need and seeks for the good in all.
2. One who mends, one who binds.
3. The captivator.
4. To snare or to bind.
5. One who is bound, tied.
6. Captivating, to tie, beautiful, desirable; Rebecca is the Latin form of the Hebrew name Rivka. The biblical Rebecca was the wife of Isaac and mother of Jacob and Esau.
7. Bound.
8. Biblical: Rebekah, noted in the Genesis account as a maiden of beauty, modesty, and kindness, became the wife of Abraham's son, Isaac.
9. To bind, to join.
10. Captivating. One who mends, binds, ties. One who is bound or tied.

Dreams to be Realized

2007-02-25T13:56:00.001-05:00

I want a garden. And a house. I want one deep in the woods, in Oregon maybe, in a clearing. It would be earth sheltered and covered with mosses and vines. I'd have an orchard and a vegetable garden and a strawberry patch and a whole field of lavender. And an herb garden. And I'd have mimosa trees and weeping willows and wisteria and wildflowers and lush, flowering, fragrant bushes along winding paths that led to the gardens and the orchard and the house. And there'd be a waterfall nearby, just close enough so I could hear the sound of it when I sat outside at dusk. Eventually, I'd want a rabbit farm, and some chickens, and maybe a dairy cow or a goat for milking. And I'd have a home full of children’s' laughter, and love. So much love. There'd be dirty little bare footprints all over the house, and I'd wash them on my hands and knees and smile to myself, because I'd know there'd be more to wipe up tomorrow, and that I'd get to do it all over again. I'd enjoy it, because it would be a small reminder to myself of youth and happiness and innocence, and all that children hold. And it would remind me of how my children are at home in nature, and how they love the feeling of moss under their bare feet, just like their momma does. And I would cook and make soap and candles and do dishes by hand and bathe my children and pass their clothes down to the younger ones and kiss their faces and then make love to my best friend who I shared this life with and I would go to bed ever night knowing that this was what I lived for. This was why we live, why we love. This was the beauty and the simplicity of life, and I would fall asleep every night peacefully and fulfilled.

And in the morning, when I woke, I'd kiss my lover softly to wake him, and kiss my children and tell them "Good morning and I love you" because every day I'd want them to wake knowing that they were loved and I'd fix breakfast with my lover and play in the garden and read to my children under big shade trees and then we'd climb the trees and laugh eat until our bellies were about to bust. And I'd rub their full tums and kiss their foreheads and put them to bed. This will be a beautiful stage in my life. When my children were grown I'd look back and smile at all the beautiful memories, and I'd be proud for the love and wisdom I had given them to share with the world. Then I would go back to teaching college, love my job, and make love to my husband every night and hold my daughter when she cried over a broken heart, and cry and kiss my children when they graduated from college. And someday, when I'm old, I'll know that my life was beautiful and wondrous and absolutely perfect. And I'd know that I couldn't have asked for anything more. I would have traveled the world, volunteered, helped others, raised children, ate good food, fostered love and learning through my dedication to education and teaching, found the love of my life, and made a beautiful mark on the lives of countless people. Then, I'd squeeze my husband's hand, my lover, my best friend, and know that I could pass easy into whatever lies ahead with a smile on my face and love in my heart.

What I Feel

2007-02-25T13:34:00.000-05:00

I sometimes feel like I am too sensitive. I feel like everything, the world, the people in it, affect me too much. I feel sometimes that I am so swollen with emotion, with sorrow or joy or despair or hope, that I'm just going to bust and flood the world. I feel the bad ones more though. I feel a deep, overwhelming sense of sorrow at the thought of someone losing a loved one, of someone watching someone dear to them die, of someone who is hungry, of someone who is alone. Of someone who buries their child. Of someone who is so impoverished they cannot feed their family. I feel the pangs of suffering most severely. And it's not even my suffering, or any particular person that I know of. It's just suffering in general. I absorb so much of what is around me, it's like I'm hypersensitive or something. I feel EVERYTHING, and threefold. I watched an interview with a man in Louisiana today. He works at the emergency care center at New Orleans, and the man who runs the emergency program had his mother in a nursing home in Louisiana. Every day, she would call him, and say "are you comin son? is somebody comin to get me?" and he would tell her "yes mama, somebody's comin. They're comin on Tuesday. They're comin on Wednesday. They're comin on Thursday. They're comin on Friday." She drowned Friday night. The man telling the story barely knew the man of whom he spoke, didn't even know the mother he lost. Yet there he was, a grown man, sobbing, trying to tell the story on the air, and barely able to get out the words for all his grief. I found myself crying uncontrollably, so completely moved by the sorrow this man felt for his fellow man, and sorrowed myself for the loss felt by the man he spoke of. There is so much hate in the world, so much anger, and there is no room for it. With all the suffering in the world, with all the wonderment and good that can come of human emotion, to teach a child to hate is a sin against humanity. So much delineation, so much separating ourselves from others, so much saying that their pain is their pain alone, because they are different from me, separate from me. It may be unfortunate, but it is THEIR pain, not MY pain, so I need not concern myself. There is so much impartiality. So much disconnect. I am not a part of that. Sometimes I wish I were, but never really and truly. It is what I feel that makes me human. That makes me who I am. I would take pain over impartiality any day. Sometimes I see or hear something, and I am so deeply saddened, I literally feel my heart clench up in my chest and writhe within me. I finally understood why people associate the heart with human emotion. For me, it is where my body feels the physical reality of my emotion. I sometimes just sit and weep for the pain in the world. I weep for it now.

But I not only weep for the pain. Sometimes, when I see or hear something that I connect with, that inspires me or gives me hope, or something that strikes me at my very core in a way that rips me heart open because I UNDERSTAND, I cry. Not a weep for a loss or for a pain, but for the joy of sharing something with another human being. For the joy of that little girl on her father's chest and the comfort they hold for one another. For the joy of a man holding a woman, or even of a man holding a man. For the joy of human unity and of the subtle but oh so powerfully beautiful ways in which it is illuminated. I want to have children. I want very much to have children, so that I can raise them to FEEL. Raise them to absorb the world, to soak it up until they are as swollen with love and sadness and hope and joy as their mother was and still will be. I want them to feel what I feel. To see the world and the suffering in it, and to recognize the things that should change. And I want to give them the courage and the hope they need to change the things they can, and the solace they need for the things they cannot change. I want them to feel, to swell so full of emotion that they are completely unable to sit idly by and watch their fellow humans suffer needlessly. The will never be impartial, never be dead to the transcendent humanity that unites us all with one other. Compassion, empathy, unity, these are the only things that will save us. Love will save us all.

When I Look at the World

2007-02-25T13:33:00.000-05:00

When I look at the world, I see it as it is. I am not an unrealistic person who sees only flowers and daffodils where suffering and evil exist. However, I see how the world could be. I see such intrinsic goods, such potential for beauty and love in humanity. We have this gift for feeling the abstract, for taking what is intangible and unknown to the beasts, and actually feeling it, even to the point that we would die for it. We have the unique ability to empathize, to reflect on the situation of others and to put ourselves in their place, to feel their pain, to feel compassion. No other creature on earth can boast such a claim. And that compassion is our only saving grace. We have so royally fucked over our planet and each other, so terribly have we destroyed what is seen by so many as a divine gift, our duty and honor to be the care takers of the world, that without this saving grace I would deem our species a plague upon the planet, unworthy of our gift of higher intellect and capacity for reason.

However, we do have the ability to love. And not just romantic love, which I argue is often self serving and egotistical (I love him/her because of the way he/she makes ME FEEL, which is actually lacking in any sort of intrinsic quality in the partner which would inspire feelings of love and awe and devotion based on who that person is, regardless if he/she was still in a relationship, returned the feelings, was romantic towards/considerate towards, etc etc the person who is "in love." But that's a rant for another day).

What we have in addition to romantic love (both the false, self serving kind and the true kind in which two people become so emotionally and mentally intertwined that they bond on what seems to be a cellular level, and it becomes inconceivable that they should ever part, for they are bound to one another on such deep and spiritual levels of connectivity and mutual understanding of one another and the world and the universe that to lose one would be in essence to lose the self), we also have the capacity to love humankind as a whole. I realize that this is largely underdeveloped in modern society, and indeed even purposely suppressed by those who stand to make a profit at the expense of others and from the indifference of those in a position to stop that exploitation and inhumanity. However, it lives in us all, even if lying dormant under mountains of stuff and glittery distractions and advertisements and daily petty dramas. It is there, waiting to be unleashed and to heal the world.

Surely we feel compassion and empathy toward our family members. But in essence are we not all blood relatives? Are we not all part of one, extended family? Is it not pure chance that you or I were born into the lives we have been born into, and not born into brothels or child prostitution or extreme poverty or starvation? Is it so hard to see that person as your likeness, as someone who could be you? Someone whose pain it is in your power to stop? Yes, we can only do so much as individuals, but together we can begin a healing process to mend the terrible wounds we have caused to humanity and potentially save one another from the sure doom we face.

That doom can only arrive with the indifference of good people, who will sit comfortably and idly by while those in power send those without further into the miserable squalor and degradation of poverty, slavery, starvation, and suffering until it consumes us all.

"And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak up for me."